How to Adult 101

As of late, I have noticed something strangely curious (maybe not so strange, maybe not so curious).

My observation:

It is only when you are tossed to deal with and take care of yourself that you realize you have grown up and are capable of doing any said work with ease. It’s insane to see yourself become responsible and be concerned about someone other than your futile existence. It scares you, your maturity and behavior in circumstances that would have otherwise made you weep like a kid whose ice cream had been snatched (by me, of course). Or or weep like the girl who was told that her crush got married, not that I would know the agony. Either way, realizing that you have grown up is an unnerving phenomenon and I hope everyone I know goes through this as soon as possible because, well, the sadistic part of me likes to see the panic on people’s face when life frightens the living daylights out of them.

In my last post, I certified myself to be capable of imparting words of wisdom about the do’s and don’t’s of a sprained ankle based on 1 week of experience. In this post, without any logical reasoning or experience whatsoever, I declare myself certified to be an adult and thereby provide some pointers on adult-ing.

1. Adults know themselves.

When you are at an interview, you are often told to answer this one question:
“Tell us something about yourself”

Presently, in the event that you are an amateur to the entire adult-ing method, you will discover trouble in answering that question. That is why I am here to offer assistance.
Given my experience of being at a sum of 2 interviews in my life, I will now exhibit an exceptionally keen and scholarly approach to answer.

“My name is Shaiqa Jannat (but my mother calls me Useless). I am a student of Journalism and Mass Communication (although I don’t really study and write blog posts when I should be studying). I like to read (Facebook posts). I am a big fan of Jeffery Archer (and another author which will make me sound very intelligent). I play squash (because I am pretentious like that). I also happen to be a debater (because let’s face it, no one ever listens to what I have to say otherwise). I consider myself to be an introvert (because I would rather lock myself in a room for 3 days than go to a place where I will be expected to socialize or go through a torturous interview where they ask you crass questions). But given that I am broke, it will be in my interest to inform you that my communication skills are impeccable (as I am able to communicate my dislike for humans in approximately one conversation). I am loyal to whatever endeavors I partake (frankly, sleeping and eating doesn’t demand loyalty or honesty). I also like to believe that I am funny (I can always make me laugh). Thank you (actually no, no thank you until you hire me, which I know you won’t).”

2. They have their life (love and professional) sorted.

With my expertise, I have helped you get a job in the above point (you are welcome). I will now tell you how to straighten your love life. Here’s a simple solution:

Try not to have one.

Unless it’s fanciful with an anecdotal character or an actor who does not know about your existence. Or just keep crushing on people totally out of your league who will probably get married to someone 10x better than you and then you will sulk. Adults love sulking.

3. Learn how to cook.

I don’t say that because it will help you feed yourself when you are on your own, but rather it will help you NOT burn down the house. The last thing you want is a house of ashes given that your life is perfect as an adult where you just had an amazing interview and your partner is perfectly fictional.

4. Develop a hobby.

What will you do with all the leisure time? You know, the free time you get after you have slogged the entire day, then spent quality time with your beloved and cooked your meal. Yes, that free time. Being the kind hearted and helpful person that I am, I will suggest a few exciting hobbies for you to choose from:
*clean your room (because apparently, you somehow manage to disorganize it by literally just sitting at one place)
*watch TV (because, of course, you have no drama in your life, might as well spice it up!)
*play with young siblings/your child/neighbors child, etc. (pets are better, just saying)

With that note, I take a leave to go and watch Breaking Bad or Friends or Suits for the nth time and give orders to my younger brother because that is what adults do.

Recommend0 recommendationsPublished in Humour, Offbeat, Short Stories

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